Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit

Why you shouldn’t teach your kids to quit

“Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit”. Vince Lombardi

Jill and I have over 30 years working with kids in the dojo, various school systems, and churches. One of the things that scares us most is watching parents inadvertently teaching kids the opposite of what the parent hopes for—and the most common one is quitting.

Letting a child quit one of their activities shouldn’t be an easy decision. Since kids can’t make the same kind of rational decisions they’ll be able to as adults, it’s our job as parents to walk them through the process to determine just why and how they want to quit.

Start by asking these questions to investigate:

· Why do you want to quit?

· Do you enjoy it?

· Is it too hard? Too easy?

· What would you rather be doing instead?

You can also discern what’s driving their desire to quit by assessing their general attitude about the activity:

· When they’re back home, are they excited to talk about what they did?

· Do they mostly say good things about it?

· Do they sound frustrated when they’re talking about it?

· When they don’t want to go, is something else (watching TV, playing with friends, a bad day at school) taking their attention?

Often it’s not the activity itself, but what else might be happening that day or that they feel they’re missing out on something else. Sometimes it’s a matter of feeling like they’re not capable, which can be an opportunity for learning that they can achieve hard goals. And sometimes, though it sounds harsh, a kid might just want things to be easy. The most important time to encourage and support them through struggle is when they’re ready to quit at the first obstacle.

Richard Crofton outlines other important reasons to reconsider letting your child quit their activities:

1. You’re inadvertently teaching your child to give up easily throughout life.

2. Your child won’t experience the long-term benefits of hard work.

3. Your child’s sudden lack of interest might just be a phase.

4. Your child may not mean what they’re saying at the time and would later regret quitting.

5. Giving in to your child can weaken the impact you have as a parent.

6. Your child could develop into someone considered unreliable.

As the parent, you must teach your child how to be a hardworking, achieving member of our society rather than a serial quitter. If some of these considerations seem harsh, take a step back to consider how seemingly inconsequential actions might have a long-term impact on their future choices.

It begins with identifying the motivation behind your child’s stated desire to quit, then determining whether that motivation is persistent or temporary. If they truly dislike the activity then it might be time to find another to try—but if it’s a matter of avoiding challenge or getting distracted, it might be time to encourage them to continue to learn and grow in the activity they’re currently attempting.

If you need more evidence that quitting can have harmful long-term effects, Blaine Wilkes outlines a few additional outcomes:

· Quitting can develop into self-sabotaging.

· Studies find it sets a poor precedent for future endeavors.

· When people quit something early on, research shows it becomes easier to quit the next time something becomes challenging.

Put simply, a quitting habit can snowball into a vicious cycle. As you give up on a new activity, your brain learns to expect the same kind of outcome the next time you try something challenging. This leads to reduced motivation and increased resistance to sticking with the kinds of struggles that build strength.

Since quitting can have all these impacts, it’s important both to teach our kids to understand why they want to quit, and to model careful decisions about our own activities. Ask yourself the same kinds of questions and learn to assess what outside components might be affecting your own impulse to step away; your child can learn this evaluation process by example.